Self Sabotage

How can we do things to hurt ourselves and not even know it?

I was talking to my son the other day about his life. He is struggling to find his way and when I started talking to him about a path he kept throwing up hypothetical roadblocks. I told him to stop making himself fail before he even took the first stop. Later I pondered about that. I mean I really thought about it and I realized that I had been doing that to myself for a LONG time. I realized that my negativity and the fact that I was playing the part of a victim my whole life had me doing the same thing. I had such a pessimistic outlook on my life that I too was throwing up roadblock after roadblock. I wonder if it could be some sort of protection against failure. Like if you predicted you would fail and you did, that you could better handle the shock of failing yet again. I used to say that I failed at so many things in my life, but now I don’t feel like that any more. Things maybe didn’t work out the way I wanted them to, but that is so much different than failure. When our path in life doesn’t stay smooth like we envision it just means we are being tested and that in doing so we are learning and growing.

The other day I had the chance to feel sorry for myself, be angry at my ex, and be angry with myself. See, Wednesday I found out that my grandfather died. It hurts because it brings a wealth of emotions back about my grandmothers passing about 3 years ago. When she died, the family left my name off the list of grandkids. See, they are not my biological grandparents. When my mom married my 1st stepdad, I was only about 8 months old. They were married until I was 16 years old so his family was the ONLY family I knew. I had no contact with my father so I did not know anyone on his side of the family. My grandmom and granddaddy were the BEST. I mean I loved them. They hold the bulk of the great memories I have as a child. Things went awry when I married my ex. He was distancing me from my family, driving that wedge between me and everyone outside of his family. And because I didn’t fight back hard enough I let relationships go. When my grandmother passed I hadn’t seen her in many many years. She only met my youngest kids once or twice. And because of that distance, the family made the decision to not mention my name. It killed me. I LOVED my grandmother. I was depressed for weeks. I wanted the family to love me. I have this thing that I can’t describe about wanting to be a part of a huge family and I felt like I lost that. And because so many people were at odds with me I felt alone. About the time she passed I had just separated from my ex. No one believed I was done with him so no one really wanted much to do with me.

I coped with how I felt and tried to move on. So when I heard that my grandfather passed I started feeling those same feelings again. I asked my sister if I would be left off this list to, but she didn’t know. But I decided right there and then that it didn’t matter. My grandparents are in heaven and know that I loved them. I wish things could have been different, but I CAN NOT change the past and if I let my past mistakes haunt me, then I am just letting the past control my present. I told my sister that the past is just that. The past and that I had to move on and stop letting it hurt me. I had to stop feeling the guilt that I had for my absence in their lives. I am in control of my life now and if people want to continue judging me for my past, then the guilt is theirs to bear, not mine. It was like this invisible weight was lifted off my shoulders. I was able to let go of the guilt and feel good with who I am and where I am at in my life. I am still not where I thought I would be at this point in my life, but I am doing ok. I am going in the right direction and I am good with that.

I saw this poem on FB today and thought it was fitting to what I was wanting to talk about.

i sat down with my pain, looked it dead in the eye, ’til it couldn’t return the kindness, nor the gesture. what’s wrong?, i asked. something troubling you? yes,. it replied. you don’t look at me like you used to. you are not the same victim i had once fell in love with.

broms the poet

Some before and afters

For those that may not see my Instagram posts, today I posted my first before and after. It’s just a face shot, but I was scared to post it. I took the after picture a few days ago, but only finally worked up the courage to post it today. The response was quite overwhelming. I got so many positive comments that it just warmed my heart. It actually motivated me. For the first time in “I can’t tell you how long” I put on lip gloss and left the house with my hair down!

It was quite a day today to receive so much positive feedback. It meant a lot to me. I have made so many emotional advancements lately. It is very relieving. I didn’t realize how difficult it was to carry the emotional burden I was carrying. I was always feeling guilty for my past, guilty for how I THOUGHT people looked at me. Sometimes my burdens were because I let myself think something that I had no proof of. No more. My life is my own and I intend to take charge and not let ANYONE get me down.