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Kristina Millner

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The Big DaySeptember 4, 2021
The big day is here.

My personal struggles

When I wrote the first post on this blog I had a long time to get ready for this trek to Utah and the hike up the mountain. Since I procrastinated and let myself fail, I now only have 14 months to get my mind and my body ready. Right now I am not sure which will be easier.

If any of you reading this were to see me in person, you would think that this fat girl must be crazy if she thinks she is going to hike a mountain in 14 months. See, I weigh 400 lbs. I have struggled with weight most of my life in varying degrees. I worked at Hardee’s during most of my high school years. As I struggled with so many emotional things going on in my life during those years, I think it was detrimental to work at a fast food joint. Food was available and I used it to pacify my stress and anxiety. I set up a lifetime of emotional eating during those years. When I returned from Utah I was on a good track and I lost weight, only to find myself pregnant, with TWINS! I was single and their father was no help. I moved to GA shortly after their birth in order to live with my mom and step dad so that I could have some help with the babies.

It was that time that my weight just went up and up and up. I refused to see that I that I was struggling with un-diagnosed post postpartum depression. I steadily gained weight while dealing with depression, anxiety, and un-diagnosed PTSD resulting from childhood sexual abuse. In 2008, I got the Gastric Lapband as I hit my highest weight of around 380. I also was graduating college the same year. I was riding a high and I lost over 100 lbs. I was feeling on top of the world.

in 2010 my whole world changed for the good and for the bad. I met my now ex husband online. Craigslist of all places. It was a whirlwind courtship and was only 6 months. We met in July and married in January 2011. Hindsight allows me to see things differently. The signs were there. He would treat me like a queen and make me feel that I was never loved so much and there is no way that anyone could ever be better than him, but then things could and did change at the drop of a hat. It was like walking on eggshells. A constant roller coaster of emotions. Being treated like a queen one minute, being made to feel like I was a horrible person and mother the next. Our marriage was horrible. I left many times and always came back. I was trying to save my marriage. It got worse every time. In 2014, I thought that by breaking away and moving back to SC, where I grew up, I could get planted firmly on my own two feet. He followed and we got back together one more time. That lasted until 2016 when I kicked him out for the last time. We were separated until our divorce was final in October 2019.

Life has been hard. I have full sole and legal custody of all the kids with my ex only having supervised visitation with my 2 youngest. During this time I met my current therapist. She has done more for me than any other therapist I have ever seen. I was finally properly diagnosed with PTSD and getting therapy that actually works and helps me work through the traumas in my life.

My battle with food continued and over the last 4 years hit its worst ever. I have gained over 100 lbs and I am miserable. For about 2 years I have been debating on whether to have my lap-band removed and have it revised to another bariatric surgery. I had my band removed at the end of 2018 and I just found out today that my surgery to get the gastric bypass was approved. It looks like in August 2020 that I will be having surgery. I have made this decision after months and months of debating, research, and prayer. I am doing it because I want to be alive to see my youngest grow up. I am doing it because I want to be healthy and be able to teach my kids to be healthy. I am doing it because I miss riding roller coasters! It’s going to be a crazy 14 months to get off enough weight and get my body in shape, but I am bound and determined to do it and not delay my goal. I am going to accomplish this goal!

Post publish note: My surgery will be August 17th, 2020.

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