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Kristina Millner

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The Big DaySeptember 4, 2021
The big day is here.

Your baby weighed how much?

I am sure my mom got asked that question many times. I weighed a whopping 10 lbs when I was born. I was big, fat, had super red skin with jet black hair! I think my mom said she questioned if I even was her baby! HAHA Do you think weight at birth determines your destiny! Not really, but I just like to have something to blame my weight struggles on!

My memories may be skewed

My memories are that I have been overweight my whole life. I just have these fleeting memories of always not comfortable being in my own skin. Always feeling that I was heavier than all my peers. Despite that I don’t have major memories of being picked on too much for it so I wonder if it was as bad as I think I remember it to be. I have seen pictures of myself throughout various times in my life and I was always a little plump, but not fat. It wasn’t until my late teen years that I know I started to truly be overweight.

Fast Food Era

At the age of 15 I started working at Hardee’s. I was going through a lot back then. I was hiding a secret and was not getting help in dealing with things. I believe that working Fast Food and having emotional issues caused me to turn to food. I started using food to make myself feel better. It was there, always around me. I steadily gained weight, but things didn’t get too terrible because I was young. I was in the Marching band so I kept busy during those months with practice going on quite often and over the summer. I think things got a little better when I was living in Utah because I felt safe there. When I moved back from Utah I kept control of things for the most part and even lost some weight over the summer of 2001. I got pregnant with the twins later that year and actually lost weight most of my pregnancy and weighed less after giving birth. What the dream right ladies? Ha Ha. THEN it was like a switch went off in my body.

The Depression Era

The birth of my twins changed my body for the worse. I don’t think it was as much physically, but more mentally and emotionally. I am sure the hormone fluctuation caused some issues, but through hindsight it was because I was suffering massively from Postpartum Depression and undiagnosed PTSD. I can’t remember exactly how much I weighed after giving birth to the twins, but I know I was at least close to 200 lbs, give or take. By 2008 I weight 384 lbs. I was miserable. I had my first weight loss surgery. Problem with that, despite the weight loss, is that I did not get my emotional eating under control. I think that these doctors back then didn’t do enough (and some still aren’t) to make sure that emotional issues that cause emotional eating are addressed and that the eating is under control. I had my lap-band put in and lost about 100 lbs between 2008 and 2010. I thought I had things under control and that I was going to be fine and keep the weight off as well as continue to lose more weight, but then I got married and because it wasn’t always a good thing I started eating again. I was depressed. Between 2010 and 2020 I gained about 120 lbs to put me back at my current 400lbs. I loathe typing that number, but I have to be honest with myself and others if I am going to conquer this.

2nd Weight Loss Surgery

I am currently 1 month and 4 days from my next weight loss surgery. Many think that people like me are just lazy and taking the easy route by having surgery. “Just stop eating and get off your butt and exercise,” they say. I can understand that view point. I can see how they think that and I agree that maybe some people that have surgery may be lazy, but me and many thousands of other people are doing it to save our lives. I wish I could have stopped eating. I wish I could have controlled my eating so I didn’t put all this strain on my health and my body. I wish I could have controlled my depression. I wish I could have found a better therapist sooner than I did. I wish, I wish, I wish. Guess what, coulda, woulda, shoulda!!! I can’t change the past, but I can change my present and reshape my future. I HAVE gotten control of my emotional eating. I DO have a great therapist that I see regularly. I AM taking better care of myself. Am I perfect? No, but I have physical limitations that make some things hard right now. I will overcome these limitations with this surgery. For the first time in my life I know that when I get my weight under control that I will be able to keep it under control. I don’t have a crystal ball and I know that I will slip, but I know me and I now have to tools to cope with stress. I am now building boundaries around my emotion and physical self that will keep me safer.

The Future

I don’t have a crystal ball or a direct connection to God to know my future, but my vision has never been more clear. I am stronger. I have built healthy boundaries to keep myself healthy and happy. I am not perfect, but who is. All I know is that I am moving in the RIGHT direction now. I am happy. I am happy with where I am going. I have a lot of things to get back in place in my life, but I am taking it one thing at a time right now.

Feedback

Comment below if you have ever had bariatric surgery! I would love to see others who have had it and how it has helped your life!

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