Mess = Stress
This concept isn’t something that is unknown to me, but I am starting to really see just how much stress I was adding to my own life. I actually told my mom today that as I was sitting at home working (working from home due to COVID), I literally couldn’t stop thinking about what I could get up and clean or put away. I would get up to do something like make the kids lunch or go to the bathroom, but then I would find SOMETHING to clean up or get the kids to clean up. It’s like I am craving a clean and organized house. Organization is calming. Finding a place for everything in the home is peaceful. Maybe I need to be a professional organizer! Haha
I think that it is fitting to get my life organized, just like I have been getting my emotional self organized. When your head is messed up then it radiates outward into your everyday life. I have lived my life with my emotions very much out of control and disorganized. Finding a way to organize my emotions and my emotional well being had to happen before I could even imagine getting other parts of my life in order.
The Key to my Emotional Well Being
One of the biggest things I have learned over the last 3 years in counseling is that I have lived my life lettings my emotions and feelings determine what I did rather than addressing my needs and letting my needs drive my actions. I was always putting others peoples feelings and needs over my own. Now, in and of itself, that is not a horrible way to live because as a mother and previous wife, others needs do come before our own SOMETIMES, but I took it to the extreme and always put myself last. Always running on an empty tank. Running on fumes. When you live a life running on fumes you are not living. It is a life full of stress, anxiety, depression and a multitude of other mental and physical issues. Anxiety I believe is the worst. Anxiety just compounds every other emotion and makes them worse. Anxiety makes you constantly on edge waiting for the next bad or stressful thing to happen.
I am learning to understand my needs and prioritize my needs. My kids need an emotionally healthy mom, so if I need 10 mins of quite time and the kids need to stay in their rooms so I can get that, then its OK. I did that today. I needed some quiet from all the kids fighting or I was going to lose it. So, I sent the kids to their room for 10 mins to make their beds, pick up, and then chill out. I needed that, they needed that and things were much better afterwards. If I hadn’t of done that I can guarantee that there would have been some screaming and some butt whooping in order! HAHA!
A New Life?
It almost makes me feel stupid to say this, but I feel like I have this whole new life starting. I am still loving my clean and organized house. I don’t think the kids are, but they will just have to get used to me making them get up every 5 mins to clean up the messes they make. They are learning as well so I am patient with them. I literally can feel the stress and anxiety reduce day by day. When it is time to cook dinner I don’t dread it because I know the kitchen is clean and organized and I can find the things I need to cook dinner. When the laundry dryer beeps I don’t stress because there aren’t still 2 baskets of clothes sitting not folded. I have also been utilizing my phone to help set up better routines. I use google, which allows me to tell my phone to set up reminders. I have one for my medications, one to remind me to take the trash out (our apartment has valet trash and you have to have it out by 8pm to be picked up), I have one to remind me each night to clean the cat litter box. I even set up a monthly reminder to change the air filter for the AC. And I add others as needed. Last night I remembered I needed to call CVS to get a refill. I just told google to remind me today to call and I called just a little bit ago. Before I would have forgotten for days.
I feel like my life is finally going to be the way I envisioned my life. It’s not perfect, but no ones is. It’s just what I envisioned as normal. Life plugging along with the normal issues, but not the added on anxiety that I have been lugging around my whole life. All of this is helping me stick to my pre op diet. No cheats and to be honest, very little desire to cheat as long as I don’t let myself get too hungry.
Highest Weight 405
Last Weigh In 395 (7/28/2020)
Next Goal Weight 390 (8/6/2020)
Goal: My original goal was a 15 min video. When I actually did it I realized I can only do 5 mins at a time. I have done the video one time a day. I plan to up it to 2 times a day starting today.
Surgery is 16 days away!