Today Has Been Rough!

“To conquer frustration, one must remain intensely focused on the outcome, not the obstacles.” T.F. Hodge

Today was super frustrating and I can’t even pinpoint why. Not knowing actually worse then knowing why I am frustrated. I thought about food ALL. DAY. LONG! I have done everything humanly possible to not eat. I have worked, played games on my phone, surfed the internet, called friends, called family, prayed, and now blogging. The desire to eat is different though. It wasn’t as much a desire to eat to make me feel better (even though it kinds sounds that way), but it was more because I just wanted to taste something good. Something besides chocolate shakes, chocolate peanut butter bars, and chicken! I just wanted to eat normal food. Well, maybe I did just want to feel better! HAHA

But, as the quote above says, I have remained focused on the end result. A friend told me that all this wasn’t worth it after I whined to her. In my head I was like, “Hell, yea its worth it!” I have learned so much about myself. I have found a strength inside of me that I forgot existed.

What is my outcome?

My outcome is finishing this diet knowing that I killed it. I killed it through rough days, working from home with 3 kids, losing my step-father, cooking my kids good food, and many other stresses that 1 year ago would have me putting on my shoes, grabbing my keys and heading to the nearest fast food joint. At one point I even told my oldest son to hide my keys. I am not disappointed that I had the urges. I am ecstatic that I didn’t act on them and even went as far as to seek help to ensure that I didn’t act on them. That, my friends, is victory. It means that I have passed a major hurdle. The race is not won yet though. This is a marathon and I have just passed the first checkpoint.

What does the finish line look like?

You know what? I don’t know and right now I don’t care. I am not setting too many expectations for myself this early. The finish line is fluid. I have an idea of what I want it to look like, but I don’t want to set a hard expectation. Hard expectations can lead to failure. I have expectations, but they are more of a building block. My expectations are all scenarios that I am happy with and a setting off point to where I could see my life going. Finish line for me is like goals. What are my goals? Let’s talk weight. Dr’s say I should weigh 150 lbs. Yea, that is not going to happen. I think my bones alone weigh 150 so I do not see myself weighing that. I don’t want that as my goal because I don’t see that as necessary or achievable. I put my goal down at the office as 175, but in my minds eye I am happy with anything at or below 195. To be fit and healthy I feel like I can live that life at 195. I would like to get to 175, but I am giving myself that 20lb window to be successful. It’s not a cop out. It’s just being realistic. Physically my goals are being able to walk, jog, hike, go camping, fit into seats anywhere I go, be able to ride a roller coaster, etc. I just want to be active. Emotionally I see my goals as loving myself just the way I am, being happy and knowing my boundaries and how to self care. Spiritually my goals are to get closer to Heavenly Father through faith in my religion. Faith to do all the things that He asks of me to do. Hopefully it is my plan to meet and marry in Gods temple for all Eternity.