How to know what to do?
When you are obese and most likely depressed, the world tends to come across as cruel and that includes the people in it. I am, or was, the queen of knowing exactly what people were thinking and I just knew that they were treating me a certain way because I was fat. I would like to say I can look back now and know I was wrong, but I wasn’t ALWAYS wrong. People do treat fat people different, even close friends and family. It is a fact. Overweight people come across to other, often times, as lazy people. Overweight people often have hygiene issues. It’s hard to find every nook and cranny and keep things clean. Overweight people have unique challenges in that area. It’s hard to talk about because it was demeaning to me as a woman to have issues like that.
My quandary is how will I feel towards people that may start to come around and be my friend now that I am losing weight. I think it is natural to want to lash out in some way to “punish” them for not being a fair weather friend, but part of my journey is a spiritual journey and part of that is me trying to be more Christ like. “Love thy neighbor as thyself.” It takes a lot to change and be the better person, but I am going to do that. I am the kind of person that knows that there is a silver lining to every dark cloud. My mom also always taught me to “kill em with kindness.” I teach my kids the same, or at least I tried.
So, to my fellow peeps that have suffered with these type thoughts, keep your chin up. You determine your own worth, not other people. To the people that may have judged an overweight person, they have feelings too and trust me when I say most are NOT lazy or any other stigma that is given to fat people. We are often fighting demons and have forgotten to love ourselves.
Learning to Love Myself
I cried today. I HATE going to the dentist. I have never had an overwhelming bad experience. For years I couldn’t figure out where along the way I picked up such anxiety for the dentist. I think I figured it out. I have neglected my teeth. When life is so full of stress and anxiety, abuse, and 4 kids self care goes down the tubes. I didn’t go to the dentist, usually until there was a problem. Don’t get me wrong, I brush, but not good enough and paired with the lack better dental hygiene my teeth were suffering. I had to get half my mouth numbed up today for a deep cleaning. It actually didn’t hurt when he was sticking me with the needle what felt like a hundred times, but the anxiety got the best of me and made me cry.
I was using some positive self talk as I laid there and stared into the floating light. I told myself something. “Kristi, the past is the past. You are here now! You are here doing self care. You are taking care of yourself now, so stop beating yourself up for the past!” It worked. It worked because I am right. I am not looking back in a judgemental way any longer. I am only going to look back to see how far I have come. My smile is something that I have been embarrassed of. Most of my problems are not visible to others, but I know that they are there. I felt empowered being there. Knowing that I am taking care of myself and doing something that I know will make me to be happier in the long run.
Anyone else have negative feelings towards the dentist? What is something you do for self care that you do?