I always said I would be honest with what I post on my blog and I have done that, but I kinda feel like I was dishonest by omission. I didn’t say anything because I didn’t want to say the truth. What is that truth? The truth is that I have been dealing with a bout of depression and got into a funk. I felt like a failure that it got to me the way it did. I let the negative thoughts invade my brain and things kinda went downhill for about a week. Looking back it wasn’t any one thing. I think it was a compilation of many small things.
I think the event that kicked things off is that I hit a stall with my weight loss. It was literally like hitting a brick wall that just dropped out of nowhere. I was steadily losing 4-5 lbs a week and then, boom, nothing and even gained a bit of weight. That was the week ending 11/25. For the week ending tomorrow, 12/02, I am hoping to just maintain and not gain at all. I don’t know what happened and that frustrated me. I was doing most everything right and just couldn’t figure it out. I have heard of other bariatric patients hitting the dreaded stall, but they were all hitting it around a month post op. I was over 3 months and was hoping I had dodged that bullet. Nope! From everything I read it just means I need to change things up. I haven’t been to the gym in a bit over a week due to different constraints (horrible excuse, I know!). I think exercise is the key to getting back on tract as well as going back to logging my food and scaling back a bit. My steps were good last week. Ended up with over 26K. I am working hard to get steps in these last 2 days of this week (week 11).
But, like I said, it wasn’t just one thing. The holidays got to me as well. Being away from family because of COVID got to me. Not having family around my table really hurt. I HATE COVID. In fact my whole family is on quarantine until next weekend due to exposure. It was no ones fault as my friend and I took more than enough precautions. I think because of her wearing her mask (because she had been traveling) we will hopefully not get sick. I am thankful for her consideration to do that even though we were outside.
Another issue that I was battling with is being lonely. I have been divorced a bit over a year now and I am lonely. I am lonely for friends and companionship. I am tired of parenting all by myself most of the time. I never get a break. I feel like all I do is work, sleep, and clean all day, every day. I have been having these desires to bake and be crafty but I literally have no time because I can barely get the things done in a day that I need to . I am up at 630 am 5 days a week and not going to bed until around midnight. Weekends I am still getting up anywhere from 7am to 8am and running around all day. Even if I could afford a babysitter, where would I go? What would I do? And where would I find the time to get away? I am not putting myself first because when I do I start drowning in life.
I hate myself when I get depressed. All the negative thoughts that run through my head make me feel like no one likes or loves me. I finally snapped out of it by reminding myself its a mental illness and I have to stop letting it take control of me. I have to embrace my challenges and let them make me better and stronger, not weaker and sad. A stall is just a stall and the weight will start coming off again. My body just needed a rest and it was needed in order for me to realize that I needed to up my game. I will take back control and stop letting myself go down these holes of depression.
I am feeling so much better now. I had time this past weekend to get up our Christmas decorations and I am participating in my church’s #LightTheWorld challenge. If you are interested please click here to read all about it. It’s 24 days of things we can do to spread a little more light in this world. I also have a book that was given to me 10 yrs ago that has things to read every night until Christmas. For each day there is a scripture, a story and a song. My younger kids really seemed to enjoy it.
I am grateful for my journey in life. It only makes me a better person and a stronger, more resilient person. I am grateful for my kids even though I may complain about burnout. I couldn’t imagine my life without them. I guess I am just needing a bit more balance. I am grateful that people read my blog. It’s helpful and therapeutic for me to write and like I always say, it helps me to endure if I know that I am imparting even a small bit of something that helps even one person!
I would love to hear your Christmas traditions. My book above is one of mine. And even if you celebrate something else, like Hanukkah, I would love to hear what your specific holiday traditions are.