Saturday July 18, 2020
A last Supper of Sorts
So, yesterday was the day. The last day that I will be able to eat any food I want. I celebrated with a food funeral as some people call it. No worries, I didn’t go crazy, but I sure did eat quite a few things that are my favorites. Some people may not agree with the practice, but I knew it wouldn’t derail me. For me, food has lost its top spot as important things in my life. For me, it was just something I wanted to do to enjoy a few of my favorites as a send off. A last supper of sorts. A pre celebration of the things to come. My day came to a climax as I enjoyed a steak with shrimp and crab dip. I topped it off with what will most likely be my last soda ever, a cool refreshing Pepsi. Thankfully I feel no sadness. Soda has been a crippling vise of mine and I know it contributed to my current predicament. I enjoyed it, but it wasn’t hard to say goodbye.
A funeral with no sadness
So, most funerals go hand in hand with the shedding of tears. People who are sad to see someone leave their lives. Sadness at the thought of that person no longer being a part of their every day life. That didn’t happen for me and I was pleasantly surprised. I didn’t feel sad or scared that I was eating that steak and shrimp for the last time. I didn’t clean the bowl of my crab dip because I knew I will probably never eat it again. I literally just enjoyed the food in the moment. I enjoyed it for what it was and not what it did for me. It wasn’t put into my body because I had a bad day or to make me feel better. I ate that food as a way to say goodbye and that I would be ok without it. To show that I have and continue to conquer my unhealthy relationship with food. I didn’t cry, feel sad, or any other feeling other than just simply enjoying some really good food. No tissue was used to dab any tears away, just a napkin to wipe about the drool as I enjoyed the scene laid out before me.
My final thoughts as the clock struck midnight.
As I went off to bed I had a lot on my mind. I had my food farewell. I am on the final countdown to a very big day for me. The nerves are starting to creep in. It’s that ugly voice in my head that tells me that I don’t deserve for good things to happen to me so this surgery is going to fail just like I have failed everything else in my life. For the first time in a long time I argued back to that voice. I sat up in my bed. I took a deep breath and said this out loud, “Kristi, you are a wonderful person. You are strong. You are a daughter of God. You are loved. You are STRONG. You are STRONG!” I hugged myself and laid back down. And for the first time in a long time I believed myself. I feel it. I feel something inside of me that feels different. I don’t begin to understand this feeling, but I know it is something good. Maybe it is the absence of fear and self doubt. Maybe it is the control that I now have over food. But regardless of what it is, I like it! I like the absence of the negative vibe. I love the confidence that is brewing.
Do you have something you tell yourself on a rough day? Do you have those confidence building words that you tell yourself? I would love to hear how you give yourself a pep talk. Thanks for following me in this journey. Friends and cheerleaders are always welcomed and definitely needed!